Mommy Dearest

• Two-fer. After buying biscuits for my kids one morning, I got offended when the server said, “See you tomorrow.” How did she know she wouldn’t be seeing us for dinner, too?
• I do. I do not. If you invite my husband and me to your wedding, thank you for including each and every one of my kid's names on the invitation. Unfortunately, the kids will not be attending if you want me to have fun at your wedding.
• Date Night. Same goes for dinner. There are many kid-friendly restaurants around town, but am I the only mom who can’t taste food when her kids are around?
• Baby blues. I stared blankly at the new mom at school who asked me how old the baby is. How old? I can’t remember. Six weeks? Eight weeks? Younger than the last one about covers it.
• Edutainment. I use the as a museum, school, and amusement park. Your child will leave knowing every color, texture, and flavor on the planet, and speaking Farsi. Just bring a coat.
• Smell ya' later. I put extra lotion on my baby so that she smells good and gets extra cuddles at daycare. Worst. Mom. Ever.
• Just say no. I will likely decline playdates or birthday parties because sometimes I feel like I haven’t seen my kids all week. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you or your kids. It just means we need to sit still. In our own house. Staring at each other.
• What are toys? I hide the toys from the kids’ meals and put them in a rainy day box so we have treats and entertainment on a later date. When there were Star Trek toys in the kids’ meals a couple of years ago. I took those toys and put them on my desk at work. Sorry, Charlie.
• The world is my playground. I have all my kids’ birthday parties at Glenlake Park. I don’t have to clean up my house for you. I don't have to clean up my house after you leave.
• Framed. I try not to keep pictures of my kids on my desk at work. Seeing my kids makes me miss my kids. Missing my kids makes me a bad candidate for the show "The Apprentice." Besides, kid pictures always seem to have those Scooby-Doo following-you-all-over-the-place eyes. “Mommy, why are you at work?” “Why are you enjoying your lunch without me?" "Why aren't you spending your entire meal refilling my sippy cup with apple juice?”
• Laugh it up, Fuzzball. My kids will tell me a joke, and I’ll be mean and say the punchline before them. Then I start laughing hysterically.  Yes, I do know "why 5 and 6 are sad" and I do know "why the chicken crossed the road." I invented those jokes.
• Bi-polar kitchen. I’ve fed my kids an entirely organic meal with meat, veggies, and rice. Then served Otter Pops and Krispy Kreme Donuts for dessert.

There will be more, folks. Stay tuned. Save me your dinner leftovers and hide the wire hangers.