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Mommy Dearest

Decatur’s worst mom uses the internet as her confessional

  • Two-fer. After buying biscuits for my kids one morning, I got offended when the server said, “See you tomorrow.” How did she know she wouldn’t be seeing us for dinner, too?
  • I do. I do not. If you invite my husband and me to your wedding, thank you for including each and every one of my kid's names on the invitation. Unfortunately, the kids will not be attending if you want me to have fun at your wedding.
  • Date Night. Same goes for dinner. There are many kid-friendly restaurants around town, but am I the only mom who can’t taste food when her kids are around?
  • Baby blues. I stared blankly at the new mom at school who asked me how old the baby is. How old? I can’t remember. Six weeks? Eight weeks? Younger than the last one about covers it.
  • Edutainment. I use the as a museum, school, and amusement park. Your child will leave knowing every color, texture, and flavor on the planet, and speaking Farsi. Just bring a coat.
  • Smell ya' later. I put extra lotion on my baby so that she smells good and gets extra cuddles at daycare. Worst. Mom. Ever.
  • Just say no. I will likely decline playdates or birthday parties because sometimes I feel like I haven’t seen my kids all week. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you or your kids. It just means we need to sit still. In our own house. Staring at each other.
  • What are toys? I hide the toys from the kids’ meals and put them in a rainy day box so we have treats and entertainment on a later date. When there were Star Trek toys in the kids’ meals a couple of years ago. I took those toys and put them on my desk at work. Sorry, Charlie.
  • The world is my playground. I have all my kids’ birthday parties at Glenlake Park. I don’t have to clean up my house for you. I don't have to clean up my house after you leave.
  • Framed. I try not to keep pictures of my kids on my desk at work. Seeing my kids makes me miss my kids. Missing my kids makes me a bad candidate for the show "The Apprentice." Besides, kid pictures always seem to have those Scooby-Doo following-you-all-over-the-place eyes. “Mommy, why are you at work?” “Why are you enjoying your lunch without me?" "Why aren't you spending your entire meal refilling my sippy cup with apple juice?”
  • Laugh it up, Fuzzball. My kids will tell me a joke, and I’ll be mean and say the punchline before them. Then I start laughing hysterically.  Yes, I do know "why 5 and 6 are sad" and I do know "why the chicken crossed the road." I invented those jokes.
  • Bi-polar kitchen. I’ve fed my kids an entirely organic meal with meat, veggies, and rice. Then served Otter Pops and Krispy Kreme Donuts for dessert.

There will be more, folks. Stay tuned. Save me your dinner leftovers and hide the wire hangers.

Marla Blair February 20, 2011 at 02:00 PM
I love this! I too use YDFM as entertainment and education. And I've been known to buy a cupcake from the bakery just to keep my kid quiet...mmm, sugar...
Pam Asberry February 20, 2011 at 06:01 PM
Hilarious, Nicki! You will be happy to know that my children survived a similar upbringing, and the abuse continues. Since they are now 23, 19 and almost 15, I should probably write the young adult version of this post. ;-)
Tapp February 20, 2011 at 06:59 PM
The Just Say No entry qualifies you for the Best Mom of Decatur award. The family that's bored together stays together, and has fun when they're all grown up filling Mom & Dad in on all the trouble and messes they hid before you found out.
Paige Stanfield February 20, 2011 at 07:26 PM
Re the comment about the baby lotion: Back when Harper was a baby, I worked full time and had him in daycare. The daycare workers always knew when Jim was out of town for work, because I never could find the time to give Harper a bath when I was on my own. If Jim happened to be out of town all week, by the end of the week I would start getting questions from the daycare workers, "Is your husband coming back in town soon? 'Cause that baby's getting stanky."
Bryan Garner February 20, 2011 at 11:52 PM
I always take a "Daddy Tax" on any food my kids order in a restaurant (or eat in the house, if it's something I like). If they feel like they've been taxed too much, I claim that certain fries (or other tasty treats) are "poison" to little kids but not to grown ups. My son was nine when, very seriously, he studied two french fries in a restaurant and asked "how can you tell which ones are poison." I felt like dirt.
Nicki Salcedo February 21, 2011 at 01:19 AM
Marla, you are the worst mom ever! Organic sugar cupcakes from the farmers market? For shame! I usually by those just for me.
Nicki Salcedo February 21, 2011 at 01:20 AM
No sense in bathing them every day if they are just going to get dirty again.
Nicki Salcedo February 21, 2011 at 01:20 AM
Pam, I'd love to see the young adult version of this. I need coaching for the future.
Nicki Salcedo February 21, 2011 at 01:23 AM
Tapp, I tried to think of a poem for you this week (and get to it faster), but alas Mommy Dearest could not comply. Anyway, a good tiger mom in training must say no to play dates. :) Thanks for stopping by!
Nicki Salcedo February 21, 2011 at 01:27 AM
Were you and my husband separated at birth? He takes a "Daddy Tax" on everything: popsicles, grilled cheese, candy. Sometimes the kids wait for me to take a "Mommy Tax," but even I wouldn't stoop that low. Worst. Dads. Ever.
Melitta February 21, 2011 at 01:05 PM
The Dunwoody Nature Center is a bit far, but they do a great birthday party and entertain the kids, too.
Susan Eppley February 21, 2011 at 04:11 PM
I deserve mother of the year for NOT giving lavish parties for my kids. This year and onward, I'm keeping it simple; birthday girl chooses the dinner menu. We'll sing happy birthday over a cake and candles and then a simple, useful gift. As a bonus, she won't have to clean up after dinner!
Mamie February 22, 2011 at 01:53 AM
Free Family Edutainment: the "car museum" aka the Mercedes car dealership. Daddy distracts the salespeople with longwinded questions about the cars' specs while the kids climb into the front and back seat of every car on the showroom floor. Meanwhile Mommy starts the brainwashing. "Don't forget, when you get your first job, you put 20% of your earnings into a piggy bank so you can buy Mommy this car as payback for all the pain and suffering you put me through last week/month/year."
Walter Scaglione February 22, 2011 at 06:38 AM
Thanks for the laugh. HILARIOUS!! I feel better now.
Natalie Snedden February 22, 2011 at 11:34 AM
Enjoy your column thank you! I feel like your describing my life
Meg Clark February 22, 2011 at 03:36 PM
To be fair, some of us put your kid's name on the wedding invitation so we don't feel guilty when you hire a babysitter SLASH so they feel special and like us more. Also, we served juice boxes at our wedding. They were hogged by the over 21 crowd...
Meg Clark February 22, 2011 at 03:38 PM
In our family, we got a pizza party and five friends to watch a movie (my birthday is in the winter time) OR the restaurant pick for going out to dinner. My brother had the luck to be born on Halloween, so yes he got a trick-or-treating party every single year. I honestly don't remember parties I don't have pictures from, even in to high school!
Meg Clark February 22, 2011 at 03:39 PM
This is how I learned to eat quickly. If I didn't finish before my father did, he had dibs on my plate. At least until I almost stabbed him with my fork...
Sally Kilpatrick February 22, 2011 at 03:52 PM
I still say Best. Mom. Ever. Says she who subjugates her children to Chuck Berry radio, sometimes makes them read labels before they get their snacks, and *gasp* has been to Walt Disney World and left them at home. ; )
Katie February 22, 2011 at 04:34 PM
This morning Thompson wanted some of the fake (not ever alive) sour candy worms that Granny bought him yesterday. Being a good mommy, I told him he had to wait until breakfast. The bad mommy part is breakfast was a pop tart. But really, who cares, because right after that, I took him to school. Not my problem after 9am:)

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