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Mommy Dearest

Decatur’s worst mom uses the internet as her confessional

  • Two-fer. After buying biscuits for my kids one morning, I got offended when the server said, “See you tomorrow.” How did she know she wouldn’t be seeing us for dinner, too?
  • I do. I do not. If you invite my husband and me to your wedding, thank you for including each and every one of my kid's names on the invitation. Unfortunately, the kids will not be attending if you want me to have fun at your wedding.
  • Date Night. Same goes for dinner. There are many kid-friendly restaurants around town, but am I the only mom who can’t taste food when her kids are around?
  • Baby blues. I stared blankly at the new mom at school who asked me how old the baby is. How old? I can’t remember. Six weeks? Eight weeks? Younger than the last one about covers it.
  • Edutainment. I use the as a museum, school, and amusement park. Your child will leave knowing every color, texture, and flavor on the planet, and speaking Farsi. Just bring a coat.
  • Smell ya' later. I put extra lotion on my baby so that she smells good and gets extra cuddles at daycare. Worst. Mom. Ever.
  • Just say no. I will likely decline playdates or birthday parties because sometimes I feel like I haven’t seen my kids all week. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you or your kids. It just means we need to sit still. In our own house. Staring at each other.
  • What are toys? I hide the toys from the kids’ meals and put them in a rainy day box so we have treats and entertainment on a later date. When there were Star Trek toys in the kids’ meals a couple of years ago. I took those toys and put them on my desk at work. Sorry, Charlie.
  • The world is my playground. I have all my kids’ birthday parties at Glenlake Park. I don’t have to clean up my house for you. I don't have to clean up my house after you leave.
  • Framed. I try not to keep pictures of my kids on my desk at work. Seeing my kids makes me miss my kids. Missing my kids makes me a bad candidate for the show "The Apprentice." Besides, kid pictures always seem to have those Scooby-Doo following-you-all-over-the-place eyes. “Mommy, why are you at work?” “Why are you enjoying your lunch without me?" "Why aren't you spending your entire meal refilling my sippy cup with apple juice?”
  • Laugh it up, Fuzzball. My kids will tell me a joke, and I’ll be mean and say the punchline before them. Then I start laughing hysterically.  Yes, I do know "why 5 and 6 are sad" and I do know "why the chicken crossed the road." I invented those jokes.
  • Bi-polar kitchen. I’ve fed my kids an entirely organic meal with meat, veggies, and rice. Then served Otter Pops and Krispy Kreme Donuts for dessert.

There will be more, folks. Stay tuned. Save me your dinner leftovers and hide the wire hangers.

Meg Clark February 22, 2011 at 03:36 PM
To be fair, some of us put your kid's name on the wedding invitation so we don't feel guilty when you hire a babysitter SLASH so they feel special and like us more. Also, we served juice boxes at our wedding. They were hogged by the over 21 crowd...
Meg Clark February 22, 2011 at 03:38 PM
In our family, we got a pizza party and five friends to watch a movie (my birthday is in the winter time) OR the restaurant pick for going out to dinner. My brother had the luck to be born on Halloween, so yes he got a trick-or-treating party every single year. I honestly don't remember parties I don't have pictures from, even in to high school!
Meg Clark February 22, 2011 at 03:39 PM
This is how I learned to eat quickly. If I didn't finish before my father did, he had dibs on my plate. At least until I almost stabbed him with my fork...
Sally Kilpatrick February 22, 2011 at 03:52 PM
I still say Best. Mom. Ever. Says she who subjugates her children to Chuck Berry radio, sometimes makes them read labels before they get their snacks, and *gasp* has been to Walt Disney World and left them at home. ; )
Katie February 22, 2011 at 04:34 PM
This morning Thompson wanted some of the fake (not ever alive) sour candy worms that Granny bought him yesterday. Being a good mommy, I told him he had to wait until breakfast. The bad mommy part is breakfast was a pop tart. But really, who cares, because right after that, I took him to school. Not my problem after 9am:)

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