Review: Three iPhone Games

All of my columns so far have been geared towards the hardcore demographic of the gaming community; people like me who are willing (if not necessarily eager) to pay $60 for a new game.

Having spent many a recent night over the past few weeks begrudgingly playing Just Dance 3 for the Wii with my college buddies, I've realized that I must work towards dropping my bigotry against motion sensor gaming and learn to embrace that cesspool of repetitive casual games that appeal to bored housewives and college students who have no interest in games. Yeah, my prejudice is going to take some time to get over.

Still, to be fair, mainstream gaming has become a cesspool of repetitive, testosterone-overloaded, manly-man shooters that appeal to anxious fourteen-year-olds. So in the spirit of embracing casual gaming and a still-stagnant mainstream market, I decided to take a look at a gaming market that appeals to nearly everyone under the age of forty: iPhone games.  

Still, I don't want to talk about games like Angry Birds (which I fail to see the appeal of) and Cut the Rope that damn near everyone has heard of, so I'll talk about three that have been somewhat glossed over by the market in hopes that you'll take a look at them.

Blood and Glory (.99)

If you're into swords and violence that would make your overprotective mom cup her mouth in shock, this game is for you. Yes, it turns out the gladiator battles of Ancient Rome were not the friendliest of affairs.

You'll take the role of No Namicus, a random gladiator on the path to glory in Ancient Totally-Not-Rome who is apparently a dwarf because everyone you face is literally twice your size.  

From here you'll hack and slash your way through various flavors of massive warrior in one-on-one combat, earning coins for each successful kill.  And much like the actual Roman Empire, wealth is the means by which you will attain glory.

See, you need money to buy better swords, shields, and armor of which there's a massive selection. The problem with this, though, is that the best stuff is incredibly expensive, yet you need it to move up to the higher-level opponents.  

What this will lead to is grinding through the same battles over and over and over again while you slowly build the wealth needed to buy what you need. Granted, you could just pay actual cash for extra coin (up to $99.99), but if you do that you might as well just pay to win the game automatically.

As for the combat itself, it's pretty fun. You swing your sword by swiping your finger in a direction of your choosing, you hold up our shield by holding down the appropriate button, and you dodge enemy strikes by pressing the right or left arrows located on either side of the screen.

Word of advice: don't bother with high-dollar shields. It's a waste of coin and you're going to need it to get the best swords as soon as you can because the higher-leveled enemies have massive health bars that take nothing short of a meat grinder to wear down.

Zombie Gunship (.99) 

You know, I'm surprised I even bother with zombie anything anymore. Seriously, folks, we need to move past this zombie craze. We've got movies, games, books, comic books, and even classics infected by the groaning irritants.  

Still, I decided to give zombie gunship a try because I thought  that gunning them down from an AC-130 with a 125mm cannon would be a hilarious metaphor for my recent feelings about zombie crap. Turns out I was right again.

As the title suggests, you'll take the role of the gunner for a circling AC-130 in a very Modern Warfare-like fashion. Instead of Al-Qaeda terrorists, though, you'll be gunning for savage, blood-sucking monsters (like there's any difference). Careful, though; you also need to avoid hitting the civilians making a run for the fallout shelter. Kill three of them and it's game over. Also if one of them reaches the shelter, they'll seal it, and it's game over again.

You'll get three guns: a 25mm cannon for rapid precision fire, a 40mm for large but controlled blasts, and a 125mm for turning a conga line of zombies into a fine mist.  

These weapons can be upgraded using the coins you earn after each game.  And like Blood and Glory, incredibly rich and gullible people can spend actual cash to get more without having to work for it.

Mr. AahH!! (.99)

Not much to say about this one. You're a stick figure with an abnormally large head and you're trapped in an infinite void of platforms arranged in a stair step pattern. Your objective is to Swing from on platform and let go of the rope at the appropriate time so that you land as close to the center of the next platform as possible.  

The platforms will vary in size, from "only an idiot could miss" to barely large enough to stand on.  

And that's about it, really. It's strangely addictive at first, but I admit it does get sort of repetitive after a while. If that worries you, there's a lite version that lets you try it out for free. Still, I've paid a dollar for less entertainment, so I think it's worth it.  

Overall

So there you have it; three good games for the unbeatable price of a dollar apiece. Don't expect any of them to rock your world, but at least they're different, and they'll be great for that long business meeting or that road trip through Kansas.  

And honestly, given that the three of them together cost less than a cup of coffee from Starbucks, they're certainly worth it. Semi-interesting note: I typed this article on my iPhone.

The above is only my opinion. It just happens to be right.

Where to Purchase

Here's some great local places to pick up traditional video games: , , , and .

Related Topics: Blood, Games, Gladiators, Glory, aahh, and, armor, causal, gamers, and gunship Which iPhone games do you enjoy?