Your Child-Free Friends

I had a dear friend during my first pregnancy. She went on food runs with me. She handmade personalized gifts for my baby. She was great for book discussions and dinner dates but as soon as I gave birth, things changed.

I couldn’t go out on a moments notice. When I could, I didn’t always want to bring the baby. Other times I was just too exhausted to consider socializing. Eventually, she broke up with me.

I know that she broke up with me, because she told me, “You just don’t have time for me anymore.”

I was surprised that she was surprised by this. I barely had time for me. I had a husband and job and baby, but I made sure I had room for my friends.

Melanie Notkin’s candid article “The Truth About Childless Women” struck a chord with me and many other women this month. At some point, we were all childless and uncertain of what the future would bring. It got me thinking about ways to make and keep friends after having kids.

• Don’t act like having a baby makes you superior.

• Don’t give weird back-handed compliments to your child-free friends. Sure her parts are perky, un-top-of-the-muffiny, and stretch mark free. How about commending her tennis game or promotion at work? Those are true compliments.

• The adage “children should be seen and not heard” goes for parents, too. Don’t talk about your kids so much that you forget to connect with your friends. You should know if your friend has watched TV, seen a movie, read a book, volunteered somewhere, cooked a new recipe, exercised, or changed relationship status by the end of the conversation.

It’s one thing to keep an existing friend, but it’s hard to develop friendship with child-free people once you start having kids.

I mentioned that I had kids to someone recently, and her reaction was shock, “You have kids?”

It wasn’t that I look like I’m twelve (I don’t). Somehow in all our interactions I’d forgotten to mention my offspring.

My new friend looked a little disappointed. She was going to pre-break up with me, and I wanted to tell her that I can have grown-up conversations. No stories of potty training failures or videos of my kids doing some silly dance. I like fine dining and good literature as much as I like swiping fries from kids’ meals and rhyming books. 

• Keep up you pre-kid hobbies and volunteer commitments.

• Don’t let the responsibilities of parenthood drain the life out of you.

• Being a good friend is about finding points of connection.

• Don’t judge or be a matchmaker or be a fertility counselor unless someone asks.

• Not all child-free people are averse to kids. Invite your friends to a birthday party in the park. The ones who aren’t into kids will gracefully decline. The ones who love kids will appreciate the invite (and chance to throw ).

Stay in contact with your friends. Plan outings. Be supportive.

My favorite Decatur Girls' Night out? Window shopping in the square, small plates ( or ) followed by coffee () or something sweet (Java Monkey or ).