Adventures in Parenting: You Better Have Thick Skin and Quick Wit
Parenthood involves being asked embarrassing and inappropriate questions by other adults
I have four children. It’s no secret. If you see my husband and me, you will likely see four little ducks trailing behind us. Playing in the park is the good stuff, but parenthood involves hearing frequent embarrassing and inappropriate questions.
When I was pregnant with the second girl, many people said, “Now you’ll have to try for the boy.” This is when I took a deep breath and tried not to assume the other person was a sexist pig. Here’s a sampling of real comments I’ve heard throughout the years and how I wish I had answered.
When are you going to start having kids? Never. I have a cat that I push around in a baby carriage. I’m not sure why people are worried so much about other people’s reproductive habits. If you want to have kids fine. If you don’t want to have kids fine. (But can you babysit for me?)
Are you pregnant? Nope. Just fat. Better yet. No, I'm not pregnant. Are you pregnant? Better yet again. No, it’s just a giant tumor.
Are you sure there’s only one baby in there? I'm carrying a litter of puppies, plus an alien from “Alien.”
What does your husband think about the pregnancy? I haven’t told him yet. He doesn't like the movie "Alien."
Do you work? For working moms, the answer is, "Yes." For stay-at-home moms, the answer is, "Yes." Carpool, ballet, soccer. I eat bon-bons and watch "General Hospital" all day.
Are you going to keep working? Oh, no. Having kids is like winning the lottery. It means all my bills are paid! Of course, I’ve got to keep working. My kids like to eat food.
How many kids are you going to have? 8 at a time. Up to 24 kids. Whatever will get me my own reality TV show.
Did you mean to get pregnant? No, I was just trying to get lucky.
Now you’ll have to try for the boy. Remember what Yoda said, "There is no try, just do." My husband's boy sperm are broken.
You need someone to carry on the family name. I'm pretty sure the other 500,000 people with that last name will carry it on just fine.
Your nose is getting bigger. Your face is getting fat. My face is staying the same. Your face is getting thinner. Better yet, Really? I’m gestating another lifeform, my blood volume has increased by 50 percent, and you think I’m worried about a little pudge in my cheeks?
Are you sure you’re pregnant? Your boobs aren’t getting any bigger. This was said to me at work, in a breakroom full of people, no less. Really. Talk about HR violation. I was seven months pregnant at the time and said, “Yes, I’m sure and I have small boobs.” Who says this at work? Me, apparently.
Are you going to get your tubes tied? Hello? Are we now talking about my internal organs? Are you going to have that triple bypass?
I don't like that name for a baby. My ex-girlfriend had that name. The biggest jerk at my high school had that name. That’s such an old sounding name for a baby. When you get pregnant and tote around a lifeform for nine months, you get to name it anything you like. Or better yet. Buy a dog and name it whatever you like. Guess what name is old? Adam. He was the first man and no one complains about his name sounding old or weird. It’s my uterus. I can name my baby “Orangeyougladididntsaybanana” if I want to.
Do you know how many strange comments my husband has heard throughout the years? None. Remember how I took a deep breath and tried not to assume that people are sexist pigs? I just let that deep breath out.
No one asks men about their sperm count or reproductive habits. The world would be a much funnier place if we did.
Like to put your foot in your mouth? Guilty of asking any questions like these? How would you respond?
Tell us in the comments.
Susan Eppley
8:24 am on Sunday, April 17, 2011
"Are you going to breastfeed?"
Even though I teach Health Education and promote breastfeeding to my clients, I felt like that question was a big set-up for someone's agenda about to be pushed on me. Just because breastfeeding is recommended, it doesn't mean that formula is "bad" for babies (but it is a lot cheaper)! I mean, if you buy a Volvo, it's a safe car but that doesn't mean my Honda is unsafe!
Okay, I did breastfeed which brings me to #2: "How long are you going to breastfeed?"
UGH! There is no good answer here because if I say 6 months, it's not long enough, if I say 2 years, people give me a funny look. FYI (in case you care) I breastfed child #1 for 2 years (yes, she had teeth) and #2 for one year (so did she).
Sigh, there is no winner in these discussions so please, just trust us mammas...we really know what we're doing!
Nicki Salcedo
6:52 am on Monday, April 18, 2011
Amen, Susan. I have answers to both questions! #1 "No, I'm going to let my husband breastfeed this one." #2 "About 15-20 minutes each time." I have 4 breastfed kids, with 4 vastly different experiences being breastfed, and they are all ok. Unless you are lactating (or about to be lactating) don't ask moms about it. Or pull up a chair and I'll tell you some stories that would even make the zombies shudder. :) Mastitis can be hilarious, but only years and years later.
Meg Clark
3:24 pm on Monday, April 18, 2011
Well, Susan, that just explains a lot about YOUR children ;)
But yeah, if anyone wants to ask me about breast feeding in the near future, I'd be happy to give them the not-shortened version of my mother's speech from working at the Feminist Women's Health Center.
Marilyn Baron
8:28 am on Sunday, April 17, 2011
The world is a much funnier place because of your wit. I loved the column. Actually, my parents had three girls before they had my brother, and they made a big deal about trying and trying to get their son. I'm not sure if they were joking but my brother is all of our favorite. I guess it's okay if the parents talk about it, not an outsider.
Nicki Salcedo
6:56 am on Monday, April 18, 2011
MB, I didn't know you were part of a quartet! The lone boy...every one says they turn out to be nice kids. I'm kind of hoping they all turn out to be nice kids. I don't know what all the fuss is about. I'm happy either way.
Nonie Ravenberg
8:36 am on Sunday, April 17, 2011
It always amazes me how people seem to feel such license to ask personal questions of pregnant women! And I hear total strangers often feel free to rub your belly unbidden. Is that true?
Nicki Salcedo
6:59 am on Monday, April 18, 2011
I think word has gotten out that you should not rub bellies. I've heard a tale of someone who had her belly rubbed and she was not pregnant which led to a very embarrassing situation. Understandably.
Jennifer McQuiston
8:38 am on Sunday, April 17, 2011
I had a grocery store checkout clerk comment on my obsession with all things Strawberry during my pregnancy (a serious craving for pregnancy #1)... and then going so far as to suggest that I might want to lay off the fruit else I give my child a Strawberry Birthmark. It's nice to know that grocery store checkout clerks know more about such human maladies that oh, say, my obstetrician. When I started craving boiled eggs for pregnancy #2, I couldn't even imagine what said clerk might come up with, so I pretended I was making lots and lots of cake.
Nicki Salcedo
7:02 am on Monday, April 18, 2011
One time the cafeteria lady refused to serve me what I ordered because I was pregnant. This is when you ask a co-worker to order 14 slices of bacon for you and keep rolling.
D Ebaugh
8:41 am on Sunday, April 17, 2011
These are so true! I don't have four children, but two, and I got some of the same comments. Nicki - one of my students (in all innocence) once asked me "If the baby only weighs like 8 lbs, why do you gain like 30 lbs!?" (time to start explaining about doubling blood volume, boobs growing, uterus growing, etc.)
Susan - I also got the "how long are you going to keep nursing?" question, immediately followed by "Isn't it about time to stop nursing?"
Nicki Salcedo
11:56 pm on Saturday, April 23, 2011
The reason you gain 30lbs is that craving for Fat Burger on Sidney Marcus that keeps you and your co-workers making daily trips for fries and a milk shake...Oh, wait. You were talking about you. I have no idea why you gained 30 lbs. I think all "in utero" babies like cushioning and a big womb.
Marla Blair
8:50 am on Sunday, April 17, 2011
I think you said it all really well. ;) I might add "Oh, I can tell you're having a boy/girl because of [insert old wives tale]" - particularly when the commenter is wrong and yet insists that the ultrasound is the thing that's wrong in the equation!
Nicki Salcedo
11:59 pm on Saturday, April 23, 2011
Marla, I had a family member who used my wedding ring, a pencil, and a string to detect the gender of my baby. Serious. It was fascinating, but it didn't work. I also love the people who can tell by how you are "carrying." I want these people to buy lottery tickets for me...
Kimberly Head Amos
10:47 am on Sunday, April 17, 2011
I love Nicki's columns!!! One of my pregnant friends was told by a member of our church that if she got any bigger, she'd need a wheelbarrow to cart around her stomach. Then this man, who was in his 70s, died right before the baby was born, and she named the baby after him (well, the baby's middle name at least, which was also the same name as her dad). But still, I thought Alan was pretty lucky! :)
Nicki Salcedo
12:06 am on Sunday, April 24, 2011
Kimberly, thank you for reading and commenting. It means a lot that my silliness makes sense to other parents. I don't know why people are surprised by the size of pregnant women's bellies. It's like they've never seen one. I have mom friends with cute little bellies, but most are like me and need that wheelbarrow.
It is always safe to name a baby after a person. People tend not to complain about those names so much. :)
Brienna McWade
11:11 am on Sunday, April 17, 2011
Yay! Very funny. And so, SO true. I write on parenting too!
My favorite was a barista telling me I was harming my unborn child by drinking coffee. When I assured her my doctor said it was ok, she asked "are you sure?"
Nicki Salcedo
12:12 am on Sunday, April 24, 2011
Brienna, we should do a patch.com exchange trip. Thanks for traveling the time zones and states to see what we are up to in DecaturGA. I volunteered at our beer festival (8 months pregnant) and I heard a day's worth of comments about why I shouldn't even be pouring drinks pregnant.
Funny thing is that I don't drink beer pregnant or not, but I took offense at drunk people giving me advice on not drinking!
Tapp
4:53 pm on Sunday, April 17, 2011
Someone did rub my belly in Target when I was pregnant with my second child, which absolutely shocked the heck out of me! I didn't know what to say, but she was very sweet and seemed to think she was rubbing my belly for luck, so I hope she now has quintuplets, whether she wanted them or not.
Being an older mom, I got the comments "Wow, you waited really late," or "Did you have try a long time?" Looking back I now wish I had said, "You know, it took us 10 years to realize we won the lottery in the marriage department, and one night of celebrating proved it."
'Nuff said.
Nonie Ravenberg
5:56 pm on Sunday, April 17, 2011
I've never been pregnant, but if someone asked me if I had to try a long time, I would have responded with a very detailed, very graphic, minimum-10-minute-long discourse on everything that had been tried, of course looking for every opportunity to incorporate zombies (thanks to Nicki's tutelage on this topic), random acts of love, alternate universes and special outfits into the story. The nerve. I'm really can't fathom the thought process of the person who asked you that question.
Nicki Salcedo
7:14 am on Monday, April 18, 2011
I'm very averse to hugging and PDA, but I did view the belly rub and a nice gesture. I noticed many longing looks at my belly when I was pregnant. Every once in awhile I'd let someone touch my belly. An older lady got very teary-eyed on me when she touched my pregnant belly in a store one day. A complete stranger. I thought it was sad and sweet.
As for "Did you have try a long time?" The answer is, "No, we just like having sex without the complication of having babies." Once you mention sex people run away with their stupid questions.
And Nonie, the answer to everything should involve the zombies.
fiona cooper
6:42 pm on Sunday, April 17, 2011
"When are you having the baby?" - when you've just had it.
"haven't you got a name for it yet?" - no actually, it's only a day old, it's not answering to anything yet.
"aren't you feeding him solids yet? he'll sleep through when he's getting fed properly" - started at 3 months
"Isn't he sleeping through yet? Mine all did by that age." - biff
I could go on..... ;-)
Nicki Salcedo
12:14 am on Sunday, April 24, 2011
Fiona, I've heard that the weird questions continue well into childhood and adulthood. I'm trying to brace myself.
Nonie Ravenberg
11:47 am on Sunday, April 24, 2011
Now I know why no one seems very receptive to the story my mother told about me sleeping through the night from the first night home. I personally felt some sense of accomplishment even though I don't remember it.
Marilyn Baron
7:22 am on Monday, April 18, 2011
Nicki, yes the lone boy, my brother turned out to be a prince. Actually, I think all four turned out okay. I'm the eldest of the kids.
Meg Clark
3:20 pm on Monday, April 18, 2011
I am SO tired of being asked when Jeremy and I are going to have a baby! "When we have the money."
But you never REALLY have the money for a baby! "OK, how about this-- "When we have enough money to have a dishwasher and more than one bedroom in our home." Oh, but when we had our first child...
I really don't care. DO NOT. Care.
Also, the children ask me frequently if I'm pregnant. I am immune to that question now.
Nicki Salcedo
12:20 am on Sunday, April 24, 2011
Being around kids is tough. Their minds and mouths work at lightspeed. One told me she knew what was in my belly. "A potato." Thankfully, she was 3 years old. And "a potato" is not a bad guess.
Good news is there is never a perfect time to have a baby, but you are right about space. You don't need money, or even an extra room, but it would be nice to have a little more of those things...but you don't want to be like my "advanced maternal age" and all that drama. I envy young moms. They aren't nearly as tired as I am.
Jen Castleberry
12:30 am on Monday, May 23, 2011
I love reading your columns! You make laugh every week! And even though I've had two of my own, I really appreciate you letting me rub your belly! I do so love your kids too!